The Grass is always going to look greener on the other side. You see what's on your side of the fence in great detail, but on the other side, it looks not only greener, but better and more desirable. You don't see the weeds, or any of the problems that you seem to face on a daily basis.
I have always had people say this to me. "You are so lucky to be able to travel. What a wonderful life it must be. I wish I could do that."
My answer to that always is that it wasn't luck. It was a conscious decision that I made to not buy the flat screen TV, and save my money for travel instead. It wasn't as if I won a lottery ticket that allowed me to go travelling. Basically everything I saved went towards it.
Same thing with my studies. I don't have a student loan. In New Zealand currently, the average student loan is $28 000 and the collective loan amount has passed 10 billion dollars. I of course have great parents who are in a position to help me out, but I also credit myself, being that after the first year's fees, I saved and paid my way for the following 3 years of study. That's one thing that I am hugely proud of.
I am also proud of the way I live my life. It works for me. I spend money and have fun, but I'm not a big one for shopping (I can't stand it actually) and only generally buy things that I need. I always save money, whether I've worked out what it's for yet or not, and if I do buy something (like a computer) I pay in full.
I can afford little luxuries like music gigs, theatre and of course travel, by being a single woman on one income with no family to support.
I can understand why some of my friends would look at my seemingly fun travel lifestlye (I get back from a trip and am planning the next one) and see it as better than what is in front of them. Because it is fun. It is a great life and I enjoy it.
However, there is a drawback. Every time I go away, I find that some of my friends withdraw a little from me, and with some people we don't have much in common anymore, as it seems that most of my friends are doing the grown up thing these days. My friends have turned into fully fledged adults before my eyes, having babies, mortgages and long term-partners. I have a grand total of none of these things, and I do look at my friends in these lifestyles and think that the grass does indeed look greener on their side.
For example I was visiting my friend the other day. Her and her husband have a 4 month old baby (absolutely Beoootiful) and although they do have the money worries of being a young family on a single income, I look at them and want what they have. They would probably think I was mad, but I look at their faces when they play with their little daughter, and I think, I want some of that! Because I do want to have children and my biological clock is ticking.
I feel my friends are leaving me behind in the grown up world. Even my brother, last remaining single, childless sibling recently betrayed me by leaving me the only member of the family sans child.
Really, it's all relative. I want what they have. They want what I have. Can we ever just be happy with our lot? Is it just a part of human nature to never be happy with our own life? Why must we look sideways all the time? On a brief side note, if you are interested in this stuff, read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. It is a fantastic dystopian look at what the world would be like if we were happy with whatever we were doing, regardless of the job.
I'm going to keep on with my way of life for the moment. It does suit me, and I enjoy it, hedonistic as it may be. But I'll keep looking sideways, as is the way of the world, keep being seceretly jealous by others' lives as they in turn keep being seceretly jealous of mine!
I'll leave you with this fantastic quote:
"The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Not at all. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be." -- Robert Fulghum, in It was On Fire When I Lay Down on It, Ivy Books, 1989
5 comments:
This is so true of many of us, and yet only we can make ourselves unhappy!
You are an awesome inspiration and by encouraging us to love our lives for what they are, we can then enjoy being a part of yours, and by allowing us to live through you we can all have the best of both worlds - side 1 and side 2!
Having gone for the marriage, house and kids route I know what you mean about grass being greener. I had Peter when I was 25, and because I've had three more children since then career has never been something I've done anything about.
Many of my other friends have worked, travelled, made and saved money. And when my kids are being ratty, dirty and the house is a bomb site and we have no money - yeah I would love to be in Paris sipping wine being flirted with by a handsome stranger.
One of the things that I knew, but didn't understand until I had my own, is how much time and energy kids soak up. Babies are the worst, especially if you are a new parent - there's very little sleep, and a million domestic things to attend to. Babies make about as much washing as an entire flat of students, every. single. day.
I remember the first time we left the house with Peter to go to the shops. It took us an hour of organisation just to walk out the door :) I also remember the sheer, pissed off envy I had of my single carefree friends with disposable income and free time. It's not rational, but then who is rational with baby sick all over them, baby poo smeared over the carpet and 2 hours sleep a night and a washing machine filled up with more laundry than it can handle?
Friday nights for us are where we can relax because the kids don't have to be organised into doing homework. I've spent the last few New Year's Eves tucked up in bed with a good book. Late nights and hangovers don't work when you get four boys bouncing into your bed at 6am ready to be read a story or to be ticked and cuddled. So your lifestyle of travelling and freedom and social life is exotic and magical to me.
You may find that your friends aren't withdrawing but are just really, really tired and emotionally overextended by their kids and family responsibility. Being social might be the thing they are cutting out of their lives because they are just full up with stuff. That's what we did. We don't even go to movies anymore because it's just to hard to organise and too expensive. Heck I feel social getting out to the library :)
After saying all this, I am happy with my life choices. I wouldn't trade lives because there are incredible rewards for having a family. But I would be lying if I said I was happy all the time, and that's when my mind does the "If only I was..." The hard thing about being a parent is there there is never, ever, ever time off. And I never really got that until I had lived through it for a few years and come to fully accept it.
My advice (which of course please take with a huge grain of salt!) is that if you want to reconnect with friends who have kids is go around with an offer to fold washing, or clean the toilet. Maybe bring some lunch. I know this totally puts the onus on you, and I know it isn't fair, so as I said, grain of salt.
Tess
Hey Tess!
I realised from your post that I may have implied that I don't see any of my friends who have kids. That's not true. I wander over to their houses, and make it easier for them, because I know I am a bit more free with getting around than they are. But the fact that I have lost contact with people is possibly more because people do lose contact anyway.
But thanks for the comment. Really appreciated it!
Great post Treezy. I know exactly how you feel. I have people who tell me how 'lucky' I am to be able to work from home, as if it were handed to me, which irritates me just a little. While I'm thankful that I have the skill-set to do this, it was only in a small part luck that got me to this point. Mostly, it was hard, hard work, a lot of planning, a lot of long nights working while other people were relaxing, and saving every penny I had to make it happen. I strongly believe we make a lot of our own 'luck' in this world. We all have different strengths and a person needs to take what they have and run with it to get anywhere in life.
I also hear you on the grass is greener thing. As a single mum I do envy those with husbands sometimes. It seems like it would be so much easier with a supportive partner. However I do realise that some husbands are more grief than they are worth and that some of those 'lucky married' people might even envy me sometimes. And although I wouldn't change being a mother for anything, I also envy the freedom childless people such as yourself have. I'm pretty sure every parent does at some point!
I believe that being in a happy relationship and having kids is partly down to chance. Some people meet the right person, some people don't. I haven't yet either, although I've been lucky enough to have my daughter (I do consider that very lucky). Many people settle, because they think this is their only chance to have kids. I know a couple of people like that (friends of friends) and I wouldn't want their relationship in a million years even though they have all the 'trappings' - house, children, marriage.
Great quote at the end too!
Excellent post, very thought-provoking. I also think it comes down in a small part to choice. I had my kids young by choice. I knew what I would be giving up but I also wanted to be a young parent and also to still have energy at the other end to go travelling and basically live the life you are now. You're just doing it the other way round.
I must say that I would slightly disagree with Tess. In my version the newborn/baby/toddler phase was the easiest and least time consuming. The kindy/school age phase does give you more time to yourself during the day sure, but you tend to fill that in with whatever (in my case, a job), so that when you all get home after 3pm life is rushed and there is simply not enough time in the day which is my life today. Yes, the kids are very self-driven and they don't need me for much but there is so much more than washing their hair or washing their clothes.
Homework help is huge, as are school projects; I am the taxi driver for all manner of after school lessons and then there are the endless sleepovers, birthday parties and social gatherings to get them to and organise. And all while working and trying to renovate!
I guess we all choose how life goes for us, whatever the stage, and I'm Ok with where I am now because the beauty of life is that it is constantly changing and tossing up something new in your world. C'est la vie! so to speak.
And yep, I've lost touch with people over the years but I agree that it is just a normal part of life where we are constantly changing and growing. It happens, the good true friends will always be there, even after a long absence, and you just know it which is a good feeling. The others just pass through your life and help you to grow to the next bit. Treasure them for the time you have with them and move on when they aren't there. That's life.
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